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I had thought of myself as quite an open kind of person, but now I was beginning to wonder if I could make more satisfying relationships with people, and particularly with men. I realised I presented a certain persona of competence to the world, so if anyone asked 'how are you?' I would say fine, or not bad etc., but I wouldn't really go into how I was. And I wasn't really truthful with myself about my own emotional ups and downs.
The group...
I later joined a men's group in Leeds and found a bunch of people who were all for different reasons wanting to find out about themselves. We ran the group as a kind of self-help, DIY therapy group for a while, but, as is common for groups that focus on the self and relationships, we ran into some difficult conflicts and decided in the end to call in a therapist to help us sort through what was going on in the group. The group continued to have both difficulties and rich opportunities for personal growth, and I stayed in it for about 8 years in total.
Assert yourself!...
I also became interested in assertiveness training. In my 20's I had thought of myself as a fairly confident person, but then I saw a TV programme on Channel 4, with Anne Dickson and Andrew Sachs, called 'Assert yourself!' It really made me think about how I would stop myself from putting my point across to people, or else how I might get into blaming the world for my problems, instead of taking responsibility for my development.
Taboo feelings...
The assertiveness training course that I subsequently did focused on ways of behaving, and was very useful to me. But I started to wonder about what was going on underneath or behind my behaviour - why do I do what I do? What are the feelings that inform my choices? What about sadness, joy, disappointment, ambition, anger, jealousy, envy? And, how do my feelings and internal workings help me or hinder me when I have to deal with challenging issues like relationships, career change, family changes and health questions? Round about the same time, I got into co-counselling. What I got most from co-counselling was a sense of freedom to be myself - I felt I had permission to explore inside myself without being disapproved of if I found something unpleasant...it's been really liberating. I have also become more accepting of others.
The truth...
These things - the men's group, assertiveness training, co-counselling - started to help me find out the truth about myself and be more in command of my own life. When I started to train professionally as a therapist I began seeing a therapist myself, first in individual therapy, and later in group therapy for six years. I have worked with four or five different therapists over the years.
Books...
Here are some of the writers whose work has touched me:
Irvin Yalom
Erich Fromm
Herman Hesse
Sheldon Kopp
D.W. Winnicott
Fritz Perls
Habib Davanloo
Melanie Klein
My qualifications and experience...
I have been co-counselling for 15 years, and I have taught a number of Fundamentals of Co-Counselling courses in the Leeds area, usually one a year since 2001. Within the local and international Co-Counselling International network I have facilitated many workshops on a variety of topics (eg death, loss, choosing, rejection, men's groups, eating and feeding, here-and-now processes, psychodrama, unfinished family issues, creating community and using masks).
My first degree is a BA in European Studies, for which I studied French and German. When I got interested in therapy in my mid-thirties, I first did an introductory course, followed by an RSA Certificate in Counselling Skills, at the Swarthmore Centre in Leeds. I then trained at Park Lane College and Leeds Metropolitan University and gained a Diploma/BSc degree in therapeutic counselling. I also have a certificate in therapeutic groupwork from Group Analysis North.
After working in industrial export sales and then in the music industry, I started counselling in late 1992. I have worked at Burley Counselling Service, often with people referred by their GP, at Leeds Metropolitan University as a Student Counsellor, as a Divorce and Separation Counsellor. I have also worked in conflict resolution as a mediator for Leeds Family Mediation Service. From June 2001 I worked for two years in the NHS as counsellor in primary care, and I have been working as an independent therapist in private practice since 2001.
I also have 12 years' experience teaching people professionally to play the guitar: my main style is jazz and blues.
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Fear
Anger
Sadness
Joy
Assertiveness tips
Messages from the past
Mad, Bad, Sad and Glad
Coming soon:
Shame and Guilt
The 7 Deadly Sins
Here and Now
Defences
The truth...
Content v. Process
Envy and Jealousy
Ambivalence
Selling Yourself
Count your blessings?
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